The Gazette

"Because thou hast believed me, thou hast believed: blessed are they who have not seen, and yet believed. " John 20:29    Last week, I saw the Polar Express for the first time in its entirety. It was like being hit by a motion capture train over and over for 90 minutes. I'm not sure even if I enjoyed it or not (although the company was superb).  While there were many things I found confusing and disturbing, the most striking was how similar the story was to C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce . Both involve Public transportation A promised land of joy that some passengers didn't believe was real The passengers are unsure of where they are going and how they came to be on the train  A folksy guiding spirit   Various nameless archetypes who embody various sins Essentially, an unnamed everyman protagonist uses public transportation as a metaphorical conduit from hell through purgatory to heaven. Oddly enough for a Christmas movie, the Polar Express takes great pains...

Here we are, fifteen weeks later. I'm older, wiser, watched Twilight more times than is probably healthy, and a dog person.  Renesmee Cullen, the 12th weirdest thing to happen in Twilight I realized that I was a bit prejudiced against dog owners. I picture someone with a "fur baby" named something like Barxleigh or Wooflynne, who would "give mommy kisses" on the lips after a thorough licking of their canine genitalia.  "Pupford loves going for walks!" If not that, then a Meemaw or Pawpaw with a half-feral German Shepherd on a chain named "Ripper", who was really just a softie at heart, once you get past the rabies.  "He got one o' them shock collars on. He cain't hurt a fly." And who can forget the classic high school bully-turned-nurse who immediately after graduation adopted one of those crusty white dogs that will live for eternity as she joins a series of pyramid schemes and buys glittery monogrammed tumblers.    While t...

Genuine question for my readers: has anyone actually ever read Animorphs? It just gets worse the longer you look.   I would walk past their shelf at my elementary school library, but the disturbing cover art as well as sheer volume of media intimidated me too much to ever pick one up. As I was reading the chapter for this week, which talked about human/dog hybrids, this repressed memory resurfaced.   Scientists were so concerned with whether they could, they never wondered if they should. Through meticulous research, here is what the 54 book series is about:  Five children and one alien gain the ability to turn into animals by touching them. Being in morph form allows them to heal injuries and communicate telepathically. However, they can only sustain this for two hours or their transformation will be permanent. One of the characters, Tobias, permanently turns into a red-tailed hawk, which everyone is just okay with for some reason. They use these abilities to fight ...

Before judging me for wasting time on this instead of doing my actual post first, just know, I am working on it, but I need to watch all Wallace and Gromit content.  So, I will treat my readers to what I was talking about when I spent 15 minutes discussing Bill Murray in class a few weeks ago.  My theory is simple: Bill Murray, Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, and Steve Martin fill similar but distinct ecological niches in film. All four are excellent actors with great comedy chops who are often cast in "funny but secretly heartwarming" roles.  In this post, I will attempt to recall every role I have seen these actors in and decide whether the role could have been successfully executed by a different actor. Please do not comment on films I have not reviewed. I'll just say "That sounds great! I'll put it on the list!". There is no "list" and never has been.  Steve Martin  George Banks, Father of the Bride     Steve Martin did it best, but I do think every...